I wasn’t really sure that I wanted to actually write this post. Expose my vulnerabilities. Let the world see this side of me.
For this reason, I left dealing with a painful breakup out of my last post. Something that certainly added to the dizziness of my everyday, left me reeling, coasting through my days in a fog. But it certainly was a part of my experience, one that I should not attempt to expunge from my memory.
I will lay this out for you. I never in a billion years thought that I would ever fall for the person that I did. Barely a month to graduation, he pops up out of the blue and turns my life around. He was wrong for me in so many ways. A lot of history, bad habits, and friends that I didn’t like should have been reason enough to let this one go. But, he was so much more than that.
He was extremely sweet and nurturing, something that I hadn’t experienced in a while. I was always used to being the nurturer. He genuinely cared about making me happy, not the other way around. We’d do the things that I liked to do like walk the beach in the chilly spring air or go outside and just kick a soccer ball around, brews in hand. As I came to learn, his life is no where close to easy and yet, he still made me feel like the center of his attention. And his unconditional nurturing allowed me to experience the other side of what should be a two-way street…feeling what it’s like to be loved. I don’t know if he did, but I sure felt it. And that meant a lot. My infamous walls that kept out so many before him crumbled and a confident self emerged.
When we did break up or fall out or whatever it is people call these almost relationships these days, I ached. With every ounce of my being. I sobbed for days on end, even waking in the middle of the night from my dreams. It was a physically painful sort of ache and I couldn’t bear to be in the company of others for fear of witnessing a look of pity that would send me into a sobbing tailspin all over again.
A few days later, I heard from him. We were going to be friends. We’d still see each other as friends and our lives would go on. I clung to those words. I was exuberant, I hadn’t lost him entirely. It was as if the last few days of misery had vanished from memory and I was going about my days once again. Those who had seen me certainly sported looks of confusion, but didn’t say much for fear of me losing it in the way that I had before. No, all was hunky dory. I saw him a few more times and everything seemed (relatively) back to normal.
That is until he left for home for real. Gone was our communication and gone was our friendship. Poof.
This time, I was ready. I had prepared myself. I already knew the worst that it could be. I knew he was not right for me, at least not now with the current circumstances and habits. Things that I was not interested in changing my opinions on. This time, I was realizing that there wasn’t a future to mourn. There were no thoughts of “What if?” or “Maybe if I/we…” I knew and he knew that we weren’t forever. And that was completely okay. It didn’t mean that this time I wasn’t heartbroken, but it did mean I didn’t experience that painful heartache. Just a dull reminder in my chest, a passing throbbing. I still think about us, pretty much everyday. But mostly I miss our friendship. He showed me a new me, a me long hidden. He opened my eyes to new people, new places, new movies, new games, new thrills. I loved every second of our fleeting love affair..or, whatever it was. I only have fond memories. He helped me grow in so many ways. And I’m a better, more confident, more open person because of it.